I came across these Ten Commandments for Caregivers online. The author is listed as unknown. However, I felt that it was important to share with you dear readers.
Caregiver Ten Commandments
–Unknown
I Thou Shalt not be perfect or even try to be.
II Thou shalt not try to be all things to all people
III Thou shalt sometimes leave things undone
IV Thou shalt not spread thyself too thin
V Thou shalt learn to say “NO”
VI Thou shalt schedule time for thyself and thy support network
VII Thou shalt switch thyself off and do nothing
VIII Thou shalt not even feel guilty for doing nothing or saying “NO”
XI Thou shalt be boring, untidy, inelegant and unattractive at times
X Especially, thou shalt not be thine own worst enemy, but be thine own best friend
Caregiving can be exhausting and we all need a break. There is no way a person can be a caregiver 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for 365 days. If so they will become very isolated and depressed.
But, when you live on a budget, where do you find caregivers to help without breaking the bank?
Siblings—ask your siblings to step up to the plate and help out. Every family is different and
depending on how many siblings you have the chance for a break is greater for some people than for others.
Adult children—if you have adult children {or even grandchildren} ask them to come and help you. Helping provides a greater understanding for what you are dealing with on a daily basis and more support.
Neighbors—if you are friends with your neighbors ask them if they would mind helping.
Friends—ask friends to come and visit and help out.
Church members—ask friends at church if they would be willing to help out
Ask for references—ask your friends and neighbors if they have any suggestions for an experienced caregiver that can help out. Many have been caregivers or are caregivers and may be able to refer someone that has experience and are affordable.
Caregiving agencies—most caregiver agencies will come and sit for a minimum of three hours. Even if you hired someone to come once a week for three hours this will provide a much needed break.
How do you find caregiving help? Which of these have worked best for you?
As a caregiver, often one can feel isolated and cut off from society. You discover you need time for yourself and a break from caregiving.
So what are some ways to reconnect with society and friends while also helping yourself?
Go out to lunch or a cup of coffee with a friend—having time with a friend is much needed and is a great break from your duties, as well as catching up with others.
Have a shopping date with a friend—even window shopping allows time for a break.
Get a job—I have a friend who cares for her husband. For a break, she works for four hours a day three days a week at a local supermarket. Her daughter sits with her husband so she can help. This lady has expressed what a huge help this is to just get out of the house and away.
Go to church or a Bible study
Take a class—often libraries, community centers and local colleges/universities offer a wide range of classes that are either free or affordable. These can be anything from a one to two hour class to meeting for six to twelve weeks at a time.
Volunteer—many places are looking for volunteers that are dependable. Be up front about what time and hours you are able to offer.
Join a club—find a book club, gardening club or another group with an interest you enjoy. Ask your friends and church members or search on a website such as Meetup.com
Caregiving is stressful. Each caregiver deals with the stress in different ways, but the one thing that is evident is that it takes a toil on the mind, spirit and often even the body.
As an Activities Director I see this stress in a variety of different ways every day.
So I searched for an answer and decided to start a support group.
What are the benefits of a support group?
A listening ear—we all need to vent and get our feelings out. This provides a safe place to release all of the frustration and tension that builds up.
People that understand—the people there are in the same circumstance and know how you feel.
A friendly smile—we all need a friendly smile and comforting nod.
An outing—a chance to get out of the house for a short time
Resources—other caregivers can provide resources that have been helpful to them to research and use.
Tips and Suggestions—again, those in the support group can provide tips and suggestions to help with issues and frustrations.
Opportunity to brainstorm—this group provides an opportunity to brainstorm for issues on how to overcome an obstacles or frustration.
Bonus—New friends—this group provides you with the opportunity to meet new people and make new friends.
As a caregiver, I strongly encourage you to search for a caregiver support group in your local area. If one is not available, then start one.
“I go to work to get away.” A lady in the support group I lead admitted rather sheepishly.
Caring for a loved one is very tiring and trying. A loved one with Alzheimer’s, that needs constant supervision, is even more of a trial.
Caregiving cannot be a lone support. Don’t be afraid to admit you need help and to ask for it.
We all need a break. Whether it’s to work, to go shopping, to do something special for ourselves or be pampered. Don’t be afraid to get away.
No one can go 24/7 without becoming exhausted, depressed and eventually physically ill.
I enjoy reading the blog Living in the Shadows of Alzheimer’s. While documenting her life with her husband that has Alzheimer’s, Sherri often reminds herself {and her readers} to take time to Pause, Praise and Pray.
Today, I am thrilled to welcome Kathleen Brown to Caregiving Monday. She is going to share lessons she has learned from being an Alzheimer’s Caregiver. This seemed very apropos today, because Wednesday is World Alzheimer’s Day. Welcome, Kathleen!
3 Everyday Lessons for an Alzheimer’s Caregiver by Kathleen Brown
I discovered Mom had Alzheimer’s during a September trip. September. Its flower is the forget-me-not; its gemstone, the sapphire. Sapphires were
once associated with clear thinking. As I began caring for Mom, in the house where I grew up, I hoped the clear thinking part was for me.
If you’re an at-home caregiver, you know it presents unique challenges. My first weeks with Mom felt like one emergency after another; I was on adrenaline overload. Then I began noticing the miracles: tiny ones (finding one of Mom’s shoes in the trash can), and huge ones (Mom suddenly agreeing to a long-needed bath). Feeling the Lord’s presence and help, I calmed down and began to learn. Fear not—you’ll see miracles, too.
Three of the Biggest Everyday Lessons
#1-You always have options.
In the beginning I thought there was only one right way to accomplish any care task. Wrong. There will always be more than one way to do what you need to do. Finding the best way, however, means we must look at all the options.
Example: Doctor to Mom: “Exercise.”
Mom to doc: “No.”
Solution: Two carts at the mega-store. While Dad shopped with one, Mom used the other like a walker, happy to stroll with me all around the store.
#2-Be ready to laugh.
Laughing in the face of Alzheimer’s is absolutely necessary for survival. The day Mom opened her mouth and I saw her dentures were in upside down, I smiled when I wanted to cry. After I fixed them, I laughed. Her poor gums were no longer being bitten by false teeth! Humor is an invaluable companion in caregiving.
#3-You will make it, even through the most difficult times.
When you need strength, you’ll have it. When you need words, they’ll come to you. When there’s nothing you can do to help your loved one, she will, against all odds, help herself. I can’t tell you how it happens—who can explain a miracle?—but I can tell you that resolution
always comes. Expect it.
Expecting solutions widens your field of vision. You’ll find resources and strategies you won’t see if your eyes are closed in despair.
We hope effective treatments for Alzheimer’s will come—someday. Ways to cure and even prevent it. Until then, our peace will be in knowing we can help our loved ones through it. We can.
Caregiving can be very trying at times and we all need someone to listen.
We all need someone with whom we can share both our frustrations and the funny moments.
Now that my grandmother is living with Mama, we discover the need to share and vent has become even more important.
At least once a week, I’ll receive a text or call from Mama to share her conversations.
Two of these sound something like the following:
“It’s 6:30 and she’s pulled the shade down. Never mind that it’s still light outside.”
“Mama had a frosty for lunch. I said, “I guess you don’t want any ice cream since you had a frosty” tonight. She said “I can eat a little. The frosty was for lunch.”
Sometimes it’s the small things we need to share. That’s okay.
Recently we moved my grandmother in with Mama. This is a learning process for everyone involved.
Finding time alone is even more difficult. Even if Mama goes back to her bedroom, my grandmother will come to check on her if she’s back there for more than a few moments.
Trying to explain that she needs time to herself goes unheeded. So what do you do when a parent moves in?
However, there are ways in which we can receive help.
When I’m in town I’ll take my grandmother off on errands or to ride through the countryside for a while
Mama and I will run errands together, which gives us time to talk and share
I’ll stay with my grandmother, so Mama can run errands
We ask friends {from time to time} for help
We hired someone to take her to church and doctor appointments {this also helps Mama so she does not have to take more time off work}
How have you dealt with a parent moving in with you?
“I can do it alone.” I’ve often heard this from caregivers. They think they can do it all alone.
However, we can’t!
I recently heard a story from a woman that had a stroke in her early 20s. Her husband insisted on caring for her by himself for the next twenty years. He refused to accept help from anyone. Now they are divorced and to receive the care she needs, she is in a nursing facility.
Remember:
Caregivers cannot carry the burden alone.
We all need time to rest and recharge our batteries.
Often we hear of the caregivers that pass away long before the one they are caring for. This is because they wear themselves out.
As caregivers we need to:
Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help.
Develop a schedule and strategy that will work.
Bring in or hire a team that can support you.
Explore your options and local resources.
Take time for ourselves
Remember we need a team or village
How do you prevent from making caregiving a lone sport?
Recently, I’ve learned of several families that placed a loved one in hospice.
This is never an easy decision. There’s no easy way to prepare for this.
However, I’ve worked with hospice on numerous occasion.
Some of the benefits of hospice are:
Helps in decision making
Offers support groups
Offers spiritual support
Certified and knowledgeable workers in the end of life stages
Provides knowledgeable feedback
Oversees the final preparations {such as contacting mortuary, having death certificate issued, etc.}
Provides services to you at home, in a hospital, at a nursing facility or at their own facility
Continues to care for your loved one through a decline—while usually this is for six months or less, at times their services extend beyond this time period. If the loved one improves they can be discharged and later readmitted when a decline reoccurs.
Give the patient and their family a sense of dignity
Respects the patient’s wishes
Bonus: Lessens financial burden of being in the hospital
Caregiving can be a very lonely task. After all you spend hours or days with the person being cared for.
During this time family, friends and co-workers may not understand all of the strain and frustration you feel.
These groups are important because they provide an outlet of discussion with other likeminded individuals. These individuals are experiencing the same concerns and struggles and need to vent or talk through their problems.
However, there are groups where you can find support.
Caregiving can be very stressful on the caregiver.
Caregivers need time to relax, unwind and have some “me” time. Balancing self-care is important.
What are some ways to do this?
Exercise—exercise is good for the body and also helps the mind. Exercise also helps to relieve stress. Take a walk, go to an exercise class, put in an exercise video, ride a bicycle, take a dance class, etc. Find something you enjoy doing and can do on a regular basis.
Pamper yourself—take time to pamper yourself whether it is a facial, massage, or mani/pedi.
Create personal space—if your loved one lives with you, find an area in your home that is just for you. An area where you can just rest and relax without the added worries and stress of caring for a household and family.
Make a list—write a list of things you would enjoy doing if you had the time. At least once a month try to pick one item to mark off your list.
Schedule the time—schedule the time, make sure you have the time off and take the time for yourself. Even if it is an hour or few hours we all need time for ourselves.
Mini Vacations—arrange for a mini vacation. Take a weekend and get away with your husband or by yourself. Arrange to have someone cover the shift and go somewhere for a break. You can stay in town, go to a nearby retreat, or go a few hours away. If possible try to get away on a quarterly or bi-annually place to rejuvenate yourself.
Enjoy a hobby—find a hobby you enjoy and take time for the hobby. This can be anything from reading to gardening to knitting/crocheting to DIY projects to anything else you enjoy.
Music is always good to relax and unwind with. Put on some soothing music or go out dancing.
Develop a routine—find a routine that is best for your needs and circumstances. Find ways to implement time saving techniques into your day.
Journal—journaling your feelings, thoughts and emotions is a great way to express your feelings and be honest with yourself. You can also keep a thanksgiving or gratitude journal to remind yourself of what you are thankful for. On the more stressful days look back over the journal for a reminder.
How do you find me time amidst your caregiving obligations?